Regret

It was the beginning of Spring when me and my 2 friends took a trip to one of the most closed countries in the world, country of happiness, where people lives in peace.

We drove at the small road between mountains and very beautiful Magnolia flowers were everywhere a long the road….forest of Magnolia trees….big flowers and many colors. We keep stopping to take photos. 

By tea time we arrived at a small village in the mountain. After we put our bags, we walked to a small “cafe”, the only one in there. Surprisingly it was nice and so cozy. We sat near the big open window to get clear gaze at the amazing scenery and feel the cool breeze of air.We ordered traditional cake and special tea with yalk milk. Very rich taste and addictive should I say…..hahhahahhah.

We didn’t plan much for this trip, we just talked, packed our bag and go.Only airline from their country can landed there and pilots from their own people, due to stiff landing and narrow airstrip, it’s between the mountains. We really flew between mountains with snow….everyone of us on the window taking photos. One of the trips I will never ever regretted in my life.One trips where we took thousand of photos. 

Back to our cozy cafe. I’m so thankful for this moment. I remembered open a book of the history of their king and queen. The king was 17 years old when he met his future wife at the age of 7 years old at a picnic. The future king said, When she grew up and if they were both single and in love, he would marry her.Indeed she became the queen, 14 years later.What a romantic life story….Wow she will never regretted came to the picnic.

“Olive were there things that you regretted in your life?”my friend asked.I began to open the bank of my memories brain. Looking back many years behind. I took a zip of my tea, took a breath….began my story.

🥀When I was at 7th grade I have a best friend, her name was Patricia. She was new at our school. She sat behind me since then we always together, we hiked, we went swimming, played squash, badminton and many other fun activities. One day she sadly told me her mom got cancer and her dad is going to take her  to the hospital overseas.Everyday she updated me about her mom. One night she called me her mom passed away. I came to her house and be with her. She has no chance to see her mom for the last time. Took a week till her dad and mom arrived. My mom called me she said I can’t come to the funeral, she gave me reason that I believe that time but now I don’t see any truth in it.Obeying my mom I didn’t show up at all at Patricia place. Monday morning when we met at school the first sentence she said,”Where were you when I need you?” I’m sorry, so sorry that’s all I can said.  We still best friend but if time could be reversed I want it badly. 

🥀I was at 11th grade, I took a night bus to the mountain visiting my far relative. I’ve the news she was in deep stressed not seeing anyone and didn’t talk.Half way the bus stop for a coffee break. I didn’t know where I am, what town is this? All just dark, the light only came from few small restaurant. I went down the bus heading to the toilet, it was located at far backside of the restaurant. I passed by a wall and a girl sat on the floor with a dirty bucket, I saw she was crippled with crutches on the floor, obvious she was begging for money.
After I done I have to pass by her again. I remembered very clearly, I heard the voice said: tell her, money I don’t have but in the name of Jesus rise and walk. I was shocked for the voice, I stopped…..am I hearing correctly? Should I do it? What if nothing happened? I will be ashamed. People will look at me as a crazy girl. Many more questions and answers rush in my mind in a short time. I looked at her then I continue walking to the bus.In the bus I still thinking , should I come down and say the word….these words playing hundreds time like a broken recording in my heart.Seems like my butt glue to the surface of my sit. I made no movement until the bus moving. 
Now I already seen many miracles, blind see, deaf ears open, lame walk, mute speak, legs growing, cancer heal and many more. When I prayed I spoke the words, God did the miracles. I didn’t have fear if nothing happened because it’s not me it’s Jesus.I wish that time I have a courage and better understanding, how much He loves people and He is the God who healed. There was time when I think, what would happened to the girl if I obeyed, she maybe already running around and shout thank you Jesus…thank you Jesus. I only can wish…yes I regretted.

🥀My dad passed away not long after I gave birth to my second child El Prince, thank God he still sees my son. He got stroked years before and many other complications came after that. He lived on his own on a rent place, I never once came to see the place. Once a week, sometimes twice a week and on special occasion he came to my house. He did careless actions in his life that lead him to this.Because of his irresponsibility the whole family suffered.  But he still loves me and remember my birthday, my daughter Rose birthday and bought her toy.Me and my brothers gave him money every week.  When he became more sick he choose to stay with me, which I’m grateful that he wanted to be near me.
Why I didn’t let him stay with me from the beginning because I choose my mom, if I good to my dad, I’m going to loose my mom whom I love, she worked very hard day and night to feed us all and gave us good education. She sew clothes, she made food and sell, she sold towels, pan and pots….anything that can become money for us to keep living. We stayed in a house of no electricity and water. We went to our neighbors to ask for water and studied when there is light once the sun goes down we all sleep and rise early. Life was so difficult, so tuft. 
We have to face debt collectors not only at home, they came to my school….embarrassing and shame on my face.Years after my dad passed away I regretted  why I never seen his place, did he had food enough? Did his place comfortable enough?  Who helped him when he was sick ? Many more regretted questions…. he must be very lonely…how did he pass the times waiting for Sunday to meet us. He must be counting days of my birthday, Rose’s  birthday,  New Year,  Christmas…..etc
I did forgive him long long ago…I wish I could tell him what has happening in my life those years.  No matter my reason were, I should be more caring. I cried….cried whisper my pray to God, Abba Father please tell my dad in Heaven, Olive is very sorry and tell my dad to forgive me.

I paused, took a bite of the cake….this carrot cake was really good then drink my tea.

🥀Another regret was years that I didn’t give much time to my mom and my siblings. My life was like hell on earth but I have to make it like Heaven for others to see. I was fighting to keep on living for my children. I have to make sure woke up every day to be there for my children. I can’t tell anyone. I wanted to scream…. help me….help me….. I have to be super strong…I have to do all by myself. I believed that my siblings misunderstood me as pride and arrogant.Thorn (my ex husband) never wanted to involved with my family, avoiding family gatherings, I was tired lying with all kinds of excuses why he didn’t come.Force to pretend broke my soul and spirit. My mom stayed with me…even I didn’t say a word, she knew….she told them Olive not like you guys think, pray for Olive. Thank you mom…I love you…you are the best.

🥀Something was very wrong in my marriage, I was treated like a trash, verbal abused was my daily bread. One time Thorn lied to my face but didn’t admit it, he hit me on my face and head many times, smash the plates and bang the table.Lord I forgive him, I forgive him every night I prayed. I woke up with new heart and he smashed again…. that was my pitiful life for decades.
One day…. I run from home. This was my second time.I took a taxi and didn’t know where to go, I just knew my childhood place and find a small hotel. For days Thorn  didn’t looking for me, he didn’t look for me either the first time. My good friends whom also his friend was looking for me every where. One morning he showed up at my hotel, talked me out and asked me to go home, Rose was three. My friend said she needs a father. Come back, forgive him. So I back home and stayed for another 20 more years in this marriage.I didn’t regret marrying him, I did love him. But I regretted not run further and disappear from him forever. Maybe you are confusing now…. regret and not regret. I regretted not able to protect my children Rose and El Prince from Thorn abusing words, lied, intimidation, manipulation….bring fear to us.He never closed to his children, only talk to them through me. Think back I should brought Rose and El Prince run, never turning back. Thorn gave us really thorn, deep wounds. 

That’s all of my regret that I can remember. Hmmm…. not much regret in my life.I thought I will have long list of it. Wow my life wasn’t bad after all.
Most of it were related to family…. I guest my core value is family. I love my family. I want to be there for them. 

My Father God is the same. He loves family, value relationship. God didn’t want to loose us for eternity so He brought Heaven down. He sent His only Son that He loves the most to the world. He wanted to be near us his children. He took my sins, transgressions, curses, sickness and diseases on the cross, He died as me. They caught Him, put Him in a dungeon prison. He mocked, spitted,slapped, beaten, put a crown of thorn on His head, scourge His back, nailed His hands and feed, made Him carried the cross and crucified Him naked at Golgotha, pierce His side. He bleed, His back was broken, flesh were cut open. His face people despised. Jesus suffered much beyond I can imagine, normal human being probably already fainted many times but He kept conscious.

That moment Jesus see me in the future with His loving eyes.

That moment Jesus think of me, knowing what I am able to accomplish.

That moment Jesus wants His heart beat in my heart.

Now I understand Hebrew 12:2

Who  for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (NKJV)

His example is this: Because his heart was focused on the joy of knowing that you would be his, he endured the agony of the cross and conquered its humiliation, and now sits exalted at the right hand of the throne of God! (TPT)

YES….YES….!!! Because of me Olive, Abba Father’s daughter. I am the joy of God. He treasures and protects His sons and daughter. He never regretted loving me and you.

We were walking to our place for the night. I raised my hands up high in the air and sing….It’s happy day….it’s a happy day…..smoke came out from my mouth….very cold weather but very warm in my heart.

•