Stronger hands

“Let’s take a walk before dinner,” my friend said.
I don’t have sport shoes, I put on the most comfortable sandals I have.
It was the beginning of summer, the weather was nice the cold breeze blow.
We are walking toward west by the side of the lake.
We passed by some men tried to catch fish to bring home for dinner.

“ Before I moved in here, I have a good friend” my friend Phia started her story.
* Her name is Jinny, she was a smart girl, she has many friends everywhere. Her parents were great bring envy for others children, they are so lovely.
Money was never an issue, she studied overseas and graduated excellence. Her future is going to be bright. She was a kind hearted girl, optimist and confident.

Jinny got married and have 3 children. She was continuing working reached the top of her career. Her three children were good. Her husband was prefect too. Five of them always together.

Then I moved to this country and lost contact of Jinny.
Last year I went back home visiting my uncles. Had reunion with my classmates, Jinny was not there.
Then I heard stories of her life. Phia took a pause.

We walked approaching the lakeside, black swans swimming in a small group…wow so beautiful. The whole lake was like a large opera house, the black swans dancing gracefully moved from one place to another, turning around the water plants. Their black color shine under the radiant of the sun upon the water.
It was beautiful to watch, we stood there capturing the moment.

As we back to our walk, she continued her story.
Phia immediately visited Jinny at Psychiatric hospital. It was a shocking news she heard about her friend.
To her surprised Jinny remember Phia. Her face was happy, big smile. She remembered their friendship. She remembered almost everything that happened in her life. She looks healthy, beside her face looked much older than her age.

This was what happened to Jinny.
When people looked at her smooth life, successful. Actually she was trying her best to stand strong and live normal. Be the best mother to her three children, not wanting them to know her struggles.
The man who was her husband only exist on legal paper. In the real life Jinny was the bread provider, the main pillar of all. Both play their roll well for the sake of their children, family, friends and outside world.
Her husband was a womanizer, hit her if Jinny won’t give what he wanted and abused words. Intimidated her to the max.
Don’t know how many times she broke down, buckets of tears. Feeling hopeless and bounced back again, thinking of her children made her stronger.

One day her husband brought a woman into their home.
No matter how hard she tried, all failed.
That woman stayed in her house, slept on her bed, ruled the whole household.

Many times Jinny said to herself,” Be patient Jinny, this won’t be long. My husband will come back to me.”
Three years past very fast, the situation was getting worse.
In her desperate moment, in deep hopelessness she took whole bunch of pills and cut herself.

She was unconscious when her colleague found her in her office, blood was thick dripping on the floor.
Ambulance came.
Jinny life was safe but her consciousness never back to normal.
Her memory stayed in the past, when deep hurt not there, where only the memory of her school days.

Her husband put her in mental institution. Never visited her.
Her children visited her from time to time, many times she can’t remember them.

Often when fear grip her, felling abandoned, she can’t control herself.
Medication become her daily priority to keep her calm.

Phia finished her story. We sat down on a bench watching the sunset above the water. So peaceful and beautiful.

Phia looked at me. “I wish Jinny have a faith like you Olive. You’ve been through ten times difficulties than her in every way. If I’m in your situation I probably in mental institution, but you in here smiling, encourage other, live a life full of hope.”

Yes it’s true. My life was rock bottom. Cheated, betrayed, lied, abused, accused,…,
I cried a lot, even if my mind didn’t think of anything tears just run down my cheek.
I can’t even talk to anyone, fear was my daily food. Very very in deep fear.

One things I hold fast, the hands of God. Until I realize actually Abba Father hands hold my hands, His hands, His grips are stronger than mine.
If it was my own strength, I already died of commit suicide.
At one of the darkest and depressed night. I stood on my balcony wall, ready to jump and end all this problems. This wasn’t the first time, been many times. And every time death is getting nearer and nearer.
When I was at the edge, I heard a voice said, what your children will remember of their mother?
If I died of commit suicide for the rest of their life that’s what they gonna remember of me, that their mom died jump from the balcony of their house.
They can’t remember the good times we shared together. We went for holidays, pray together. How I thought them to read, write, counting, playing chest, uno, monopoly and many games. How I love them so much. How I teach them to pray, read the Word, to care for others.
All beautiful and precious memories are gone only left the sad and shameful memory, mom left us alone and kill herself.

I was screaming in my heart, cried and cried. I didn’t want my children remember me like that. I went down from the balcony wall.
God hands safe me again.

What had happened to me was bad, I choose to anchor my life in Jesus.
His words said:
” Don’t worry or surrender to your fear.” John 14:1 TPT
God will greatly glorified through what happens to me. John 13:31 TPT

Let’s pray together:
Abba Father thank you for loving me even when I was in my mother womb. You formed every bone in my body. You saw who You created me to be before I became me. The number of days You planned for me were already recorded in Your book. Every single moment You are thinking of me.
Thank you, Your mightiest hands hold me, I’m in You, I am saved.
Thank you, You never let go of my hands.
Thank you for raise me up again and again. Amen

I the name of Jesus, I speak blessing, I speak favor, I speak life, abundant life. I speak love and peace over me, my loves one, my children and people who hurt me.
I love you Abba Father, I love you Jesus king of kings, I love you Holy Spirit God.

We walked back home, the sun rest on this part of the world, rise on the other part of the world, giving assurance of God faithfulness. Our heart full of assurance of Abba God loves.